Past and Present
by Miko Akako
Summary: The true story of what happened between B, A and L all those years ago. Sequal to Fighting Fate Can be read as stand-alone FINAL CHAPTER UP
1. Collide

**Miko: **So here it is. My story of B, A, and L. I decided to write this as a continuation of Fighting Fate(there won't be any Mello or Matt in this, or if there is, it will be mentions or a phone call). You don't have to read FF to understand this one, but it does help.

To clarify, this will be the normal layout of the chapters. The first will be L and Raito(in L's POV) and the next B and A and L(in young B's POV). I needed to do this because B is so biased in his judgement that L would seem like a monster. Plus, I adore Raito and L. Though I'm afraid I'll always write them as if something could break them up at any moment. Or at least that's how I see L as feeling.

So, reviews are lovely. And I'm really looking for a Beta for this story. If you are willing to, I'll give you cookies! And you'll get to read the next chapter before anyone else. -dangles bribes in your face- Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy it!

* * *

**Past and Present**

**Collide**

"L!" At Raito's voice, I jumped to my feet and went running. Ever since his runin with B, I had been wary of him regaining his memory.

I had told him, at Matt's suggestion, that he had been kidnapped and knocked out by Mikami, who he didn't remember, at B's urging and been rescued by Mello and Matt. It took all my power to get him to stay with me in Japan and not join Matt and Mello in their search for B. Raito came around the corner at the same time I did and I knocked a black book out of his hand. I leaned down to pick it up, concerned.

"What is this, Raito-kun?" My stomach clenched when I looked at the book in my hand. I had seen it before, but it had been years. I hoped I would never see it again. It was thin and ratty, as if it had been opened often. I knew it had. There were two words written on the front – Death Note. Inside, I knew I would find B's writing, for this was his diary.

"It came in the mail for you, L." Raito said. I wanted to be mad at him for looking at my mail, but I had promised him total access to everything. "What is it?"

He slid behind me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. I quickly shut the book and turned to face him. He pouted and I kissed him gently. He was reluctant but I was insistent. This book had set events into motion that even I could not foretell but I feared it would end with me loosing Raito forever. If that were the case, I would enjoy what time I had left with him. Finally, I pulled away, once again glad for Raito's arms on either side of me.

"This, if I am correct, is the diary of a very famous Whammy student from when I attended." I tried to sound casual, but Raito tensed against me. He didn't pull away.

"It's B's." He said; a statement, not a question. I held the offending bok in my finger tips, as if I wanted to drop it and make it vanish.

"Before we read this, I need to tell Raito-kun that I lied." At this Raito tried to pull away but I wouldn't let him. "I will not tell you the truth because I don't want to lose you, but I won't try to stop you from finding out what really happened in Los Angeles. Just please – don't leave me, Raito-kun." I knew I was pleading. Raito knew too because he leaned forward and brushed my lips gently.

"I will never leave you again, Lawliet." He pulled me against him and I rested my head on his chest, listening to his heart beat. Once again, I was struck by just how lucky I was to have Raito. I wished we could have stayed like that forever but I forced myself to pull away.

"How about this – you go to the living room and get settled and I'll get you a piece of cake? Then we can read the diary together?" I was hesitant to let Raito out of my sight now that I knew the timer had started to run down on our happiness.

"Very well, Raito-kun." I walked into the living room and settled on the large couch. The details of the room faded away as I looked at the black book in my hands. I pulled my knees to my chest and waited for Raito. Even when he came in I didn't take my eyes off the book.

"Eat this, Lawliet." Raito handed me the cake and sat with his back against the arm of the sofa. Gently , so as not to disturb the cake, he pulled me down so I was sitting against his chest with his legs straddling me. He wrapped his arms around my midsection and put his head on my shoulder.

"I cannot possibly eat my cake with you distracting me, Raito." I said. He chuckled, a pleasant rumble against my back but he didn't move. I scowled but ate the cake any way. Every few bites, Raito would open his mouth and I reluctantly gave him a bite of the strawberry cake. All too soon, the sugar was gone and Raito put the plate on the coffee table behind them.

"I will read it to you, but I'm afraid not much will be fact. B was…special. He saw reality in his own way. I admit I am not free of blame in this story, but B believed the fault lies fully with me." Raito murmured his acknowledgement and I pulled the book up and opened it carefully and began reading.

**July 21, 1984**

_' I am different. Some say special. It doesn't matter. _What matters is that I will never belong anywhere. For now I am at a place called 'Whammy's House for the Orphaned Genius.' Even here I do not belong. I am not an orphan. My mother and father are not dead. My sister is alive and well, loved by parents who hated me so much they abandoned me in the middle of the night hundreds of miles from my home.

A man named Watari came to the gate to greet me as if he knew I would be there. I saw his true name and when he would die but I was used to ignoring it by now.

"Hello, sir." He said. I scowled up at him. "What would you like to be called?" I didn't answer. I wanted nothing to do with this 'Quillish Whammy.'

"Well, until you decide on your name, I'll have to label you as 'B,' since A arrived a few days ago." He smiled kindly at me and offered a hand. I didn't take it. "Very well. Call me Watari. My full name is Quillish Whammy."

After that he led me into the House. He muttered at me about 'safety' and 'acceptance' but I recognized it as a speech he had given a dozen times. By now all meaning had drained from the words until they were polished to comfort small children who had just lost their parents. I knew that the minute anyone finds out about my 'ability' I would be out on the streets so I ignored all his words. Somehow we ended at a door to a room.

"You will be staying here. You are sharing a room with A." I waited for him to say more, but he just turned and walked away, leaving me looking at the door. I considered leaving, but I had nowhere to go anyway. Instead, I took this book out of the small bag I had slung over my shoulder and started writing. I do not look forward to meeting this 'A' and I pity him for having to share a room with me. I will only be here a short while anyway.

**July 22, 1984**

'When I opened the door I was greeted by the most beautiful boy I have ever seen. He looked up from the book he was reading and I was met by eyes so blue they glowed in the dark lighting. A smile broke his lips to reveal white teeth, with one missing on the top. His hair was perfectly neat, hanging down far enough to cover his ears and almost his eyes. Unconsciously, he pushed his bangs back, ending the gesture with a wave.

"Hello." His voice was slightly higher than mine, and it reminded me of an angel. "I'm A." Suddenly, I wanted to be good enough to stay. I needed to be good enough to earn a spot in A's life. Strangely, I couldn't see his name. I don't know if it is because he didn't have one, or because I didn't want to see it, but I still saw when he was going to die. To my relief, he will live a long life and probably die peacefully.

"I'm B…B yeah." I normally don't stutter, but the blonde angel caught me by surprise. A let out a giggle and raised his hand to cover his mouth, blushing.

"Pleasure to meet you, BB." He said. I scowled but I didn't want to correct him – I wanted him to say my name again. We exchanged a few more pleasantries, but I couldn't remember anything else he said because I was too lost in his eyes. Finally, I decided to go to bed. A promised me that tomorrow he would show me around the grounds. I never expected anyone to care about me before, but suddenly I knew what a friend was.

The tour the next day was delayed because of the rain. Instead, A showed me the inside of the House. I focused more on him than on his words. He felt the need to emphasize everything he said with hand motions, and every time he laughed he would try to cover it with his hands. I loved the way his attention was devoted to me and only me.

"Why are you here?" I asked. We were sitting at a table in chairs too tall for our five year old legs to reach the ground. We were eating jelly sandwiches – made by a proud A – and watching a few of the older kids play a card game.

"My parents died." He said. For the first time I saw sadness cross his face. "Just a few weeks ago. We were walking down the street past a big building and then there were gunshots. Next thing I knew everyone was running and I got pulled away from my parents. When I made it back, they were being covered by a sheet and loaded into a truck. Watari found me sitting on the curb and brought me back here." I blinked away tears and looked at A with new respect. He had tears shining in his eyes too, but his voice was even. "How are you here?"

"My parents didn't want me." I said. "I – They just didn't want me. I have a sister, Kelly. They love her. But…I never fit in. I think I scared them." A tilted his head and looked at me.

"You don't scare me." He announced. "I think we should be friends. No. Best friends! And we'll do everything together. And let's promise not to let anything come between us ever, okay?" I agreed right away. He had given me exactly what I wanted.

When I got back to the room I started writing this. A is looking out the window now and he says it isn't raining so we're going to go on our tour now. I'm not sure why I started writing this, but it seems fitting. I know I'm going to be famous some day, and maybe someone will want to know how I came to know my best friend. Maybe I'll even fit in here. I sure hope so.'


	2. Memory

**Miko: **I'm not that enthusiastic about this yet, but I have quite a few ideas so far. I'm having a really hard time coming up with personalities for young B and A. Also, if B seems nice now, remember that he's only five. A is based off Finny from 'A Separate Peace' by John Knowles, which is easily the best book ever written. Anyway, expect some more L and Raito in the next chapter. (:

And now, I want to acknowledge two very amazing people. First, **Sashocirrione** for being the first review! And second, but definitly not least, **Dlvvanzor** for agreeing to be my Beta for this story! If you haven't read anything by her, you must. She is by far my favorite author for MattxMello stories(and pretty much every other pairing as well. In short - she's an amazing writer). This is my first time ever having a Beta, so I'm really excited. (: Now, I wanna see some more reviews next time!

* * *

**Memory**

I looked up at Raito, whose breathing was so even he could have been asleep. He smiled down at me and tightened his hold on my waist. I stopped reading to just enjoy the moment. I don't usually waste time like that, but time had never been so precious to me before I met Raito. Looking at Raito, I could almost see A again. A, who had been so beautiful he could break a heart just with a smile.

I had never been in love with A, just as he had never been in love with me. I still admired him, though. Like Raito, he was beautiful, but unaware of the effect he had on the people around him. Clearly B had been struck by him at first sight. Reading B's memories, I almost didn't recognize the boy. He seemed too innocent to be the murderer he later turned out to be.

"He doesn't seem like he could kill anyone." Raito echoed my thoughts and I glanced up at him. It wasn't like him to state the obvious. "He seems to admire A a great deal. What could possibly happen to change his mind?" I could have answered his question, but I wasn't ready to delve into that part of my past yet. Better to put it off until the last minute.

"You'll understand soon, Raito." I said. "This is new to me, just as it is to you. I have never seen this side of B before." It was true. From the moment I had set foot at Whammy's B hated me. Perhaps in a few pages I would learn why – I never did anything to purposefully aggravate him. I tried to stay out of his way whenever possible.

"Read a little more, L." Raito said. I nodded and picked the book back up, content to leave my thoughts were they were. I had spent many years avoiding this subject, so I had no desire to dwell on it.

* * *

**August 6, 1984**

'Today we had our first day of school here. I never got to go to school when I lived at home, so I was excited. A informed me it wasn't any fun, but he was wrong. I told him so and he started to make fun of me, but I knew he was joking. When he called me a freak I knew he meant it in a nice way, but I still tensed up, worried he knew my secret.

So far everyone I've seen is going to live a long time, so I don't worry too much about it. When I had parents, though, it seemed like every other person was going to die within the week. I hated it, because then their life was like a timer, instead of a clock. A timer that I knew would end with blood and pain and sadness. I used to try and tell someone, but no one ever believed so I gave up. I think if I tell A he would believe me. Maybe I will. But not yet.

My first class was reading. When I told the teacher I already knew how to read she didn't believe me. I might have been showing off for A, because I picked up the largest book on her shelf and started to read it out loud. The entire time I keep looking at A and smiling. I had come to recognize the glint of mischief in his eye, and I knew he was planning something. As soon as I finished reading, he stood up.

"I can read too," he said. He then took the book from me and read the same passage I had. I knew that he could read, but the book he had been reading the first day was a kid book. And he wasn't normally that quick. I had forced myself to learn to read after my parents locked me in the cellar for a week. The teacher was stunned, and sent both of us out of the room. I had never felt so happy to walk down the hall and realize I had someone to laugh with.

"How'd you learn to read?" I asked, curious. A laughed and I looked over so I could see the blush rise on his cheeks and his hand float up to cover his mouth. I was kind of annoyed that he kept a secret from me, but my anger was short when he explained.

"I hear stuff and I remember it," he said. "I can remember every word still. Want me to say it all again? I can." I believed him, but told him to prove it.

"MIDWAY upon the journey of our life  
I found myself within a forest dark,  
For the straightforward pathway had been lost.

Ah me! how hard a thing it is to say  
What was this forest savage, rough, and stern,  
Which in the very thought renews the fear."

"Wow." I was impressed. "Does it work like…all the time?" He nodded smugly.

"Yeah. So it really bothers adults. Because I can argue with them and they always forget what they say but I never do." Then I made him prove it a few more times by saying stuff randomly and having him repeat it back. We made our way into Roger's office, because Watari was always gone, and sat in the chairs. We'd been in there almost every day. Sometimes A wanted to go there just to talk, but one time we got called in because we were caught sneaking out of the House to watch the sunset.

"Do you know why you're here?" Roger asked. Roger looked a little bit like Watari. They both have brown-ish hair and wear suits all the time. Roger was a little bigger than Watari, and much nicer.

"We know how to read." A said proudly, beaming in a way that made it impossible for anyone to stay mad at him. "So our teacher got mad and made us leave class." Roger sighed.

"Do you really know how to read? Mrs. Kiben seems to believe you managed to fake it." Clearly Roger didn't agree with Mrs. Kiben.

"Well, B didn't fake anything." A said. He looked at me and wrinkled his nose in a smile. I returned the smile hesitantly.

"And did you fake knowing how to read?" Roger asked. A didn't miss a beat.

"Of course." He said. "I just repeated what B said. You should have seen her face! It was a pretty cool book, though. I think I'd want to read the whole thing one day. Something about a forest and a pilgrim. Isn't a pilgrim like those American people who wear bonnets? Right, B?" I know I'll never have A's skill for changing the subject so naturally.

"Umm. Yeah. I think so." I muttered. I didn't like talking in front of Roger. A knew that so he took all the attention back on himself.

"Fine. Go back to class and I will make sure you are taught at a higher level, B." Roger smiled, but I still didn't trust him. "And you should read the Inferno, A. But maybe you can wait a few years." A tugged my hand and pulled me out of the room. We ran all the way back to class, laughing.

The rest of the day went the same. Each of my teachers tested me, and I passed them all quite easily. A didn't try to copy me anymore so the teachers didn't sent us to see Roger again. I was glad about that because I still don't like him. He's just like all adults. He seems nice to your face but I know that he's going to hate me eventually. Anyway, I don't have time to write any more because A is coming back and if he sees me writing in this he might want to read it. And if he reads it he'll know my secret.'


	3. Familiar Face

**Miko: **Okay. So I decided to add in Raito's point of view because...well, you'll see later on. This story will only be about 8-10 chapters I believe. I have the next chapter halfway written already so it should be up soon.

Thank you everyone for your reviews! They make me smile. (:

* * *

**Familiar Face**

**L's PoV**

"It feels wrong to talk about him as if he's just a character in a book." Raito said. I didn't have to agree. Instead, I just looked at the book in my hands. I was struck by the sudden urge to throw the book as far away as possible. Or maybe I could burn it. But even then I was certain that it would just come back. Raito didn't seem to share my hatred of the innocent notebook. He took it, closed it, and shifted his weight to let me know he wanted to stand. Even though I would have been happy to just sit there, I stood.

"I would much prefer if he was just in the book." I said. "Everything would be so much better if he was." I knew it wasn't fair – Raito had never known B. He had never had that eerie red gaze turned on him. Even now, decades since I had last seen B, I could imagine his every detail. His eyes were red. They were not so out of lack of sleep – they were just the color of blood. His hair was like mine, though only in the morning before he brushed it back. He was sickly thin, no matter how much he ate, but his skin was tan from spending hours outside with A. Without those eyes that could penetrate your soul, he may have been beautiful.

"When do you come in the story?" Raito asked, walking towards the bedroom. He knew me well enough to know I would follow him. Unlike the rest of the house, this room was empty except a single bed, two nightstands, and two lamps. I sat on the end of the bed, pulling my legs up to my chest. I was so used to assuming that position, that I had nearly forgotten when it first started. I never realized how much my habits related back to B.

"I suspect the next entry will bring me into the story." I brought a thumb to my mouth – another legacy of B. His actions had scarred me so deeply I'd resorted to childish behaviors to comfort myself.

"Would you like me to read the next section?" Raito's question was innocent, but it sent a chill down my spine. The thought of Raito – my Raito – talking in B's voice was enough to make me insane. I couldn't tell him that, so I shrugged.

"If Raito-kun would like to." I said instead. Raito sat against the headboard and I slid back to join him, leaving space between us. Raito slid over and put an arm around me. Sometimes, I was afraid he knew me too well. If he hadn't restrained me, I might have left in the middle of his reading. I knew this section would not be easy.

**September 1, 1984**

'I decided that today I would tell A my secret. We're all smart so I know that he notices it when I look at someone and wince for no reason. I was really worried how he would react to me, because no one has ever accepted me. I made the decision when I woke up and saw A looking at me from his bed. When he noticed I was awake, he sat up and smiled.

"About time you woke up, BB." He always called me BB when we were alone. Sometimes it annoyed me, being reminded of my momentary stutter, but the other part of me was pleased that I had an inside joke with someone. "I decided today we're going to celebrate our anniversary of being best friends for a whole month." A was like that. He made up his mind about something and everyone went along with it. Even the teachers weren't immune from his charm.

"What's the difference between friends and best friends?" I asked.

"Best friends don't keep any secrets from each other." A said. "And they do everything together no matter what." He smiled again, but this time I was immune from the warmth it gave off. "So all day we have to write down our secrets and tonight we'll give our papers to each other and then there won't be any secrets at all!" His solution was so simple, but I already knew what I would write on my paper, and I didn't want to at all.

I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out how to word my confession. It isn't really something to explain on paper. My teachers noticed I wasn't paying attention, but they don't bother me anymore, because no matter how spaced out I am, I can always tell them the right answer. Finally, I decided to just write it how it is –"I can see when someone is going to die." Before I could tear it up and toss it, A walked in and looked over my shoulder.

"Really?" He asked. "That's…that's pretty awesome!" I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and smiled. He was treating it like I said I could remember anything I hear, and not like I was seeing things that no one else could. Just as quickly as my relief came, I got angry.

"It's not a good thing!" I shouted, turning to face my friend. "Most of the time it really sucks – being able to see when someone is going to die and knowing I can't stop it." I knew it was childish, but it felt so good to be able to yell at someone about it. A looked hurt, but he quickly composed his face.

"I didn't mean it, you know." He said after a strained silence. "I'll be right back, okay?" I didn't answer I just glared at him in silent fury. He slipped out the door and I felt bad for yelling. I knew it wasn't his fault, but I expected more of a reaction. I had expected him to ask when he was going to die. I would have told him. He still had eighty years left to live. The timer over his head hardly moved at all.

I tried to calm down, but my anger built. Finally, I closed my eyes and forced myself to take slow breaths for a full minute. It worked, and I decided to go find A and apologize. I knew he wouldn't come back until I went to get him; I'd probably hurt his feelings.

I was walking down the hall to the library, which is where A usually hides when he isn't in the room, when I heard A's voice. I peeked around the corner and saw him laughing with a boy, probably a year younger than us, with shaggy black hair and baggy clothes. Out of reflex, I looked at his name – L Lawliet – and when he would die. Unlike anyone I've ever seen, his time didn't stay the same at all. When I first looked , he was going to die at age 25, but when I looked again, it was up to 57. I didn't like him. Whatever he was doing, it wasn't natural.

"BB!" A shouted my name when he saw me. The strange boy turned to look at me and I scowled at him. His face fell. "This is L! Come meet him. He's new today! Maybe he can share our room!" The excitement on A's face hurt me. I had thought A liked me, but I learned he just liked new things. He was like a puppy – he would play with one toy until it was worn out and then go off and find the next new thing. I still walked to them, stiffly.

"Hi." I said, giving him the smallest smile I could manage. He didn't smile at all; he just inclined his head at me.

"Hello." His voice grated on me even then. After a few moments of A trying to fill in the silence, I excused myself.

"What was the point of walking out here just to return to your room without accomplishing anything?" It was the most I heard L say. I turned around and glared at him, refusing to answer him. I knew my eyes scared most people, but this 'L' seemed immune to their effect. My eyes are the most unusual thing about me. They are red – red as strawberries, as A would say, or red as blood, if you spoke to my mother.

"I'll be there soon!" A shouted after me. I didn't respond to him, but I didn't glare at him – yet. Sitting here writing this, I realized he betrayed me. He lured me into being my friend to find out my secret and then dumped me. I never should have gotten attached to someone. But since I had, L would pay for taking my friend away. I would make sure he never had a friend again.'

**Raito's POV**

I put the book down on the bed and looked at the man sitting beside me. I knew L well enough by now to know he was upset, legs pulled against his chest, thumb in his mouth. His eyes were staring blankly at the wall. I was seized by the sudden need to comfort him – to let him know that B was gone now, and would never be able to hurt him again.

"He's locked away in a padded cell where he'll never see daylight again." I said, pulling the insomniac closer. Since my run-in with death, I realized just how precious life was, and I knew that I wanted to spend it with L. L shuddered and turned his face into my chest. He didn't say anything, and we just sat like that. Eventually, he calmed down enough to place his hands on my chest and look up at me.

"I love you, L Lawliet." I said, smiling. I could hardly remember my life before L. I floated through the day, never fully engaging in anything. I had gone out with the same girl for three years. I could see now why I never cared for her. She was an actress, and I was a genius. I would play my part, and she would shower me with devotion. I never had to wonder. With L, I couldn't take anything for granted because one day, he may not be there.

Instead of answering me, L used my chest to push himself up and kiss me roughly. I responded in turn, flipping him so he was under me. Just when I thought I had him pinned, I found myself on my back, unable to move. L had my wrists in one hand above my head. I allowed him dominance for a moment before bucking my hips and taking advantage of his momentary lapse to regain control. Somewhere during the night the notebook fell on the floor, but neither of us noticed in our lust.


	4. Flood

**Miko: **I have horrible news. I've decided I hate Raito and he could never love L because he is so in love with himself. So forgive me for the rapid turns this story will take. I have decided to totally change the vein of this story. It will probably be much shorter than planned. And I can't promise a happy ending. Forgive me?

Thank you all for the review! They just make my day so much better. ^-^

* * *

**Flood**

**L's PoV**

I knew that sex wasn't the answer to my questions, but I decided it would be the only way I could forget about it for a time. Raito was all too eager and I knew he was shaken by my past as well, even though we had only skimmed the surface. If I didn't trust Raito with my life – not that I trusted him not to take my life, but I trusted him enough that I would die for him – I would make sure the diary found its way somewhere that no living creature would ever find it again.

I watched Raito sleeping for a while – I rarely slept. When I closed my eyes, even now, I saw B looking at me with such an intense hatred I woke in a cold sweat. So I had to wait until I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer in the hopes that sleep would so consume me and I wouldn't have the energy to dream. After I had met Raito, I had been able to sleep, but when B became a threat again, even my lover's warm presence beside me didn't help. If Raito noticed I had resorted to my usual insomniac ways, he made no comment. I knew he had noticed, because his eyes opened and met mine, a beautiful smile drifting across his half sleeping face.

"Go to sleep, L." He said quietly. I raised a thumb to my lip and looked at the boy below me. Not wanting to let on just how deep my fear reached, I lowered myself to the bed and huddled under the sheets. I turned to face the edge of the bed so I could keep my eyes open. A few moments later, I felt Raito put his arm around me and slide me closer. We fit together perfectly, and Raito's arm across my waist reminded me of a protective shield. Raito put his mouth to my ear and whispered, "You're safe now, L. I'll keep the dreams away."

It was silly of me to think he hadn't noticed when I woke up in a cold sweat most nights. I'd deluded myself into thinking he wrote it off as insomnia that kept me awake. I don't know why I kept the truth from him, but I decided I would tell him the truth in the morning. For the first time in months, I slept a dreamless sleep. At one point, the dark haired monster came walking towards me and I tried to run away, only to run into a wall.

Or I thought it was a wall. I began pounding against it, only to find it was soft. I looked up and saw Raito standing above me. I wanted to tell him to run, but there are no words in my dream. He smiled down at me and put his hands on my shoulders and moved me aside so he could stand in front of me. Suddenly, the world got much lighter and the dream faded away to be replaced by sleep.

I woke up to find Raito watching me. He was sitting with his legs hanging off the bed. The notebook was lying in his hand. I sat up quickly, tucking my legs against my chest as usual.

"Did Raito-kun read further in the diary?" I asked casually. If he had, I would gladly skip a part of the memories, but I knew he wouldn't.

"Of course not." He said with a smile that still made my heart flutter. "I had Watari bring you some cheesecake and tea. I just finished my breakfast." I looked at the plate and cup sitting beside my bed. There was still steam rising from the cup so I knew it was still hot. Most importantly, there was a pile of sugar beside the tea. I knew Raito's idea of breakfast was some kind of citrus fruit and disgusting toast with a spread that had nothing remotely similar to sugar in it.

"Thank you." I said, grabbing the plate greedily. "You may read the next section if you wish." I said, starting to eat. Perhaps it would not be as terrifying in the day time.

**August 10****th****, 1984**

'We both pretended to forget the episode with L in the hallway, and A never brought up the boy again, but I knew that whenever he went to 'study' he was with that evil child. A few times I tried to catch him at it, but he always knew when I was watching. I don't know his signal with L, but they had some way to communicate to let the other know I was there.

I have made up my mind that I will not write in this again until I find out what it is they are up to without me. I have no forgotten my promise for revenge and I never will, even if it takes a lifetime. I will make sure that L will never be close to anyone. I will get rid of anyone he befriends as quickly as possible. Even if that person is A. By the time I'm done with L Lawliet, he will wish he was dead.'

**Raito's PoV**

My fingers clutching the book were white and trembling. As I'd read that short passage, memories flooded back to me. I knew now why L didn't want me to know what had really happened. The handcuffs at the hospital made sense now. I didn't allow my voice to waver, and L didn't seem to notice anything. The return of my memories didn't make me wish to repeat them – I wanted to go back to a few moments before when I had been innocent.

"Raito-kun has stopped reading." L was licking his fingers clean and looking at me over them. I smiled at him comfortably.

"I just can't believe this is the same child." Raito said. "He seemed so…normal. How could he be capable of such hate?" I knew I was stalling for time, but L seemed genuinely interested in the answer.

"B was a complex person." He said. "I believe he may suffer from some mental illness. Reading this, it seems all the more likely. As far as I remember, I did not have much contact with A after my arrival. Clearly B deluded himself into thinking we had become conspirators against him." L fell into silent thought and I found myself unwillingly doing the same.

I'd had _conversations _with B. We had spoken, not face to face, but over the phone and through emails. I had worked with him. He had convinced me to kill. But it was for L. Everything was for L. I never would have gone along with a plan that would hurt L. I loved him. That solid fact held the ground under me. I loved L, and I would never hurt L. I had been vain enough to think I was all there should be in L's life.

"Did you and A ever speak?" I asked.

"Of course," he answered. "Near the end, we did. I think it was that that drove B over the edge. A admired B to the point of obsession, though. I do believe that if B told A to jump off a bridge A would do it. Not blindly, but if B could give him a reason, even half a reason, A would do it. That is just how A was. He gave his entire soul for a friend, even one as twisted as B. He was an amazing child." I couldn't imagine being willing to kill myself for anyone, even L. Especially L. Unlike the past few days, our relationship wasn't based on mutual love. It was based on passion and fire and a clashing of ideals so severely it physically hurt. Suddenly, I was struck by the strong desire to have our relationship return to the early days when more often than not our conversations ended with blows being landed by both parties followed by passionate, almost animal like sex.

"Once something changes, it is just so hard to get it back." I thought L had heard my thoughts, but he continued, "After B made up his mind about myself and A, he couldn't see the truth. I know A told him, time and again, but B was set in his beliefs. I wish, sometimes, that I had not arrived when I did, and thus had not destroyed B's fragile sanity. But nothing can undo the past." L reached out a hand and took the notebook from my clenched fingers. He looked at me oddly but said nothing. I knew that something had changed, then. And I knew that I would want to turn back time and be unable to. For now, I would pretend nothing was wrong. For now, I would pretend that I still loved L with all my soul. For now, I would live in the present and forget the past.


	5. Musings

**Miko: **Filler chapter. I'm super busy with school, but I promise I'll start updating regularly. Don't expect another until friday probably. I've got three papers due thursday.

* * *

**Musings**

**L's PoV**

I saw the shift in Raito, even if I didn't want to admit it. It was in Raito alone that I had placed trust. I did not trust easily or often. I did not even trust Matt though he was the closest I have ever come to a friend. Raito was different, though. Our relationship was not as tame as it had become. Part of me missed our fights, but the other part was glad we could just enjoy spending time together. Of course, our arguments usually came over the case we were working on. Since Raito had left me, I had not taken a case.

I still had plenty of cases thrust at me, but I couldn't concentrate on any of them. The normally obvious connections passed me and soon I gave up altogether. The only way I solved my last case was with the help of Mello. I had never devoted much interest in Mello before. My observations of him had placed him out of the line of succession, though he was perhaps smarter than Matt and Near. His explosive nature further alienated him from the choice of possible successors.

Working with him, I realized that my observation of him had been wrong. When under pressure, he was as calm and collected as Near. The only time he lost control of himself was when Matt or Near was brought up. For different reasons, of course. Matt – well, it was quite clear to me that he was captivated by the goggled genius, but Near – I could not identify the source of his hatred with Near. I finally decided to accept the conclusion that he just didn't want to be inferior. That also explained his hatred of me, though I suspected a certain red-head's infatuation with me contributed.

Raito, though, he was a different case from the three genii being groomed to take over for me. Raito was opposite from everything I am. I, while devoted to Justice, do not have strong views on anything. I do my job. I catch the bad guys, no matter who they are. Matt convinced me to let Raito go, and the irrational part of me agreed to do it. If he showed any signs of returning to B, I knew I would be able to chain even him.

"Are you going to read the next section?" Raito asked. "Or should we do some work before we finish?" Raito was unaware of my freezing up, and once he returned I was able to work on cases. Or at least pretend to. In reality, I left all the work to Raito. I still couldn't bear the thought of pretending like everything was normal anymore.

"We have a deadline for this case. We should get some work done." I was grateful for the excuse to delay. From flipping through the notebook, I knew we were nearing the end of the story.


	6. Best Laid Plans

**Miko: **I'm so ashamed I can't say anything here. -hides-

* * *

**Best laid plans...**

**L's PoV**

I glanced over at Raito who was still on the phone. He had been on the phone for nearly half of an hour. I knew he was talking to Matt. Even though things hadn't ended well between them, they were still friendly. I was just glad Matt hadn't decided to hate Raito. Mello, on the other hand, refused to speak to my boyfriend. I sighed deeply, hoping Raito would look over and catch my meaning – we needed to work.

"Someone wants to talk to you, L." Raito's cool tone of voice told me that 'someone' was Mello. While he had bonded with Matt in Los Angeles, I had relied on Mello here.

"Hello, Mello." I said. I tried not to make a habit of speaking to my successors, but I wouldn't deny them if they asked to speak to me. From Mello's rushed tones I knew it was important.

" -really L. Did you get some creepy black book?"

"You must speak slower if you wish me to understand everything you say." I said patiently. "But yes, I did receive a book. Why?"

"Because Matt got one too and shut himself in the room with it for three days. Now he's out and he's got all kinds of questions to ask you and shit. He seems pissed, and Matt isn't someone it's easy to upset."

"I don't understand what that means to me. I don't need to explain myself to either of you." I was wary of Raito looking at me from his desk, but I pretended not to notice.

"We're on our way to see you. And I wouldn't want to be you when Ma-" Someone pulled the phone out of Mello's hand and shoved it to his face.

"You have to explain the book to me, L. And if it is true, you'd better wish you'd never been born." I had never heard Matt so angry. I spared another glance at Raito to see if Matt had told anything to him. "I didn't tell him, L. That's your deal."

"I will see you tomorrow, Matt." I said and hung up the phone. I put my head in my hands and gazed at the computer screen. Too much was happening too fast. I knew I was going to lose Raito. I wouldn't survive this unscathed a second time. I just needed to know what B had written. I needed to know what was so bad that Matt, level-headed Matt, was rushing to Japan to kill me over.

"I'll read the next section." Raito appeared from the bedroom with the book and sat on the sofa. I wanted to join him, but I was afraid. Raito looked up from the book and met my eyes. "Sit down, L. I think we may be able to finish this time. Unless you want to drag it on?"

"No. The sooner this is over, the sooner we can move on with our life." I savored the taste of 'our,' and sent a silent prayer to whatever god there was that when this was over, there still would be an 'us' to move on.

**January 1986**

I recently found this notebook again. I have never forgotten my vow and I kept watch over A, even though I pretended nothing was wrong. I hate knowing A's secret, because if I didn't I could believe he was the genuine person he pretends to be. Sometimes I forget that he's lying to me and imagine how life should be. We could really be best friends, and grow old together and never be apart. I think I may love him, but that makes what I have to do a hundred times more necessary. Because I can see when people die, and somehow, his is getting shorter and shorter the longer he is friends with L. And…Maybe if I kill L then A will somehow get his life back so we can spent it together like we would have if that stupid black haired kid never came along. At first I just wanted to make L misriable, but I can't hurt A. Over the past years he's come to mean too much to me.

I've made my plan to get rid of L. I gave him a note asking him to help me with our science project. We are in a group dissecting frogs and I'm going to have him meet me in the lab and I will make sure he doesn't ever leave it. Watari and Roger are both going to be gone, and none of the other teachers patrol that hallway. I hope A understands why I have to do this.'

**Raito's PoV**

I don't know what Matt and Mello told L that upset him, but after reading the short entry I knew he wasn't feeling any better. I wished he had come and sat with me on the couch, because I would have felt him tense and been able to wrap an arm around him to reassure him everything was okay. Instead, I lifted my eyes to meet his slowly. I had never seen him so afraid. Actually, I can't ever remember L being afraid. He had been worried for me at the hospital, but fear wasn't the word then.

Now his eyes were wide, and he had a hand to his lips, thumb being nibbled nervously. His entire body was shaking on the chair and I was worried he may fall off. He looked like a wild animal caught by a predator. I couldn't move, caught in his gaze and worried that any movement would make him run.

"-never knew. Wouldn't have – " I caught his mumblings around his thumb in half sentences and short words. His eyes were looking at me, but he didn't see me. He was lost in the past. I stood up slowly and walked over to him, crouching on the floor before him.

"L?" I put my hands on his shoulder. "L, please answer me now." He ignored me, mumbling around his finger. "L…" He still didn't respond. I braced myself and raised a hand. He didn't move as I swung it at his face. He fell off the chair at the force of my punch. Out of reflex he was up and his foot flying to contact with my jaw, sending me flying back. I pushed off the ground and tackled him, straddling his hips with my hands holding his wrists to the floor.

"Thank you." L said, pushing me off of him. I let him and I sat on the floor beside him. "I suppose I needed that." He held a hand to his face, stopping the flow of blood from his nose. I took my handkerchief and gave it to him. I touched my jaw tenderly. I had no blood, but I knew there would be a bruise soon.

"I didn't deserve to be kicked, though." I said, laughing despite the pain. "But don't do that again, L. You…You scared me." I stood up, smirking down at L as I offered him my hand. "Want to finish the story now? Or later?" L growled at me and crashed out lips together. Things were going back to normal. Hopefully they could stay that way.

* * *

**A/N - **So...what did B write at the end that got Matt so worked up? And if you have read Fighting Fate you'll know that my Matt doesn't get worked up easily. Hopefully the next chapter will make up for the crazy wait between five and six. Also, I changed the pairing since this is more about Raito and L then it is about A and BB.


	7. Murder

**Miko: **Does this help? I only have one more chapter to post. It isn't done, but it should be easy. Also, you have to have read Fighting Fate to know what Raito is talking about when refering to murderous Matt.

* * *

**Murder**

**L's PoV**

My mind was in a turmoil for the rest of the day. Raito must have known because he didn't mention the book as we finished out work. Instead it sat on the couch, abandoned but not forgotten by anyone. When I sent Raito to bed – I knew I wouldn't sleep – I just looked at the black, seemingly harmless, book. A few hours later, Raito walked out and handed me a glass of tea. I drained it in one gulp, blindly trusting the auburn haired boy. As the liquid slid down my throat, I knew it wasn't my tea. Or rather, it wasn't only my tea. I tasted some kind of herb mixed in. Raito's look was pitying as he caught me before I hit the ground. My dreams were not pleasant.

I looked up at Raito with horror; an emotion I hoped would never apply to him. I gave up fighting; I could never hurt him anyway. I loved him too much. He sneered down at me, the most unattractive twisting of his lips and contorting of his eyes.

"I underestimated you, Raito." I said sadly, looking into eyes I didn't recognize anymore. He didn't hesitate as he lunged forward and dragged me up by my hair. I refused to give him the satisfaction of hearing me scream as he pulled me across the floor.

"If I cannot be the only one in your life, there will be no one in your life." I don't think I felt the knife bury itself in my flesh. I certainly didn't feel the kiss Raito placed on my lips. My whole world was turning black, and all I could feel was numbness starting from my chest. I knew what it felt like to be betrayed, then. It felt like a heart attack. It felt like every emotion was draining away to be replaced by a horrible _nothing_. Not even pain could penetrate that emptiness I saw looking at the man I loved.

"I…I love you, Raito-kun." I whispered, or hope I did. I couldn't hear anything either. Before slipping into the oblivion, I saw Raito's sneer, and his cold laughter. And I hurried towards the dark, because I couldn't bear my Light.

I woke with a gasp and a sob. Raito was asleep beside me and I buried my head on his chest. His arm pulled me closer while the other brushed my hair. He held me while I regained control of myself.

"I'm sorry, L." He said. "I knew you would just sit there and torture yourself, though. And…I don't want to see you unhappy." I pushed myself up and looked at him.

"I understand Raito-kun's logic." I mumbled, still hurt that he would betray my trust in him, even if it was for my own good. "But I would rather have been awake." My thoughts turned back towards the dream which echoed a scene from my past that I never wanted to repeat. For so long that scene had replayed in my head over and over. Only it wasn't Raito holding the knife, and I wasn't the victim.

"Did…Did B hurt you?" Raito made no move to pull me close as I drew my knees to my chest and sat on the edge of the bed. I didn't look at him.

"Not physically." I said finally. "But I wish he had. Because then I could have healed. There's too much about me Raito-kun does not know. And I want to tell him – you. I want to tell you, but I can't yet. Soon, though. Soon Raito-kun will understand everything. One way or another." I saw the book lying on my bed stand and reached for it. Raito was quicker, though. I wanted to fight him. I wanted to tear the book from his hands but I knew I wouldn't have the strength to read the entry that I knew was to come.

**January 1986**

I have done something horrible. I have to leave Wammy's now, but I have to write this first. My hands are clean now, but they were stained with blood only minutes before. How is it that his blood is red like mine? It should have been gold. Or mine should have been black. I hate myself. I will never be able to erase the image of him lying on that table, drenched in that horrible blood.

L didn't come. I stood by the door, one hand holding the chloroform soaked cloth to press to L's mouth and nose as soon as he walked in. It was reflex that made me grab the boy who walked through the door. I didn't pause to take in that his hair was auburn instead of black. But as my eyes met blue ones, I dropped the cloth. He wasn't unconscious but he was dazed.

"B…B…" His voice was weak. I could see the fear and the condemnation in his eyes. He was too smart not to know what I had been planning. "Wh…?" I smirked, cruely. I never wanted to look like that at A. My beautiful angel. He whimpered as I dragged him by his hair across the room but he didn't scream and he didn't fight. I wish he would have. I wish he was stronger than me, because then he wouldn't be dead now.

"H…how could you, BB?" He asked, looking at me through hooded eyes.

"If I cannot be the only one in your life, there will be no one in your life." That was the answer I gave him. It was true. He knew it was true. I realized then that he hadn't been blind to my jealousy for those years. My hand moved on its own, plunging the knife I held into A's chest. His mouth formed an 'O' and the slightest sigh escaped his lips, but no whimper of pain and no gasp.

"I…I love you, B." He said softly, body going slack. I looked at my hands in horror. They were covered in innocent blood. I raised them to my face. Suddenly, I wanted to see more. I needed to see more. Whoever you are reading this, know that I didn't mean to dissect A. I didn't mean to cut him open and revel in the blood. The memory of it, even now, makes me shake with delight. Who knew that the human anatomy was so beautiful and perfect.

No. I won't let myself think about it. Because all I have to do is close my eyes and see A lying dead on the table, insides exposed and blood dripping to the floor. I know, as sure as I do that I will get revenge on L, that I will never escape that image for as long as I live. And I hate L. Because he knew my plan and he sent in A. It was my hand with the knife, but I was L's puppet. When I looked up from my murder, I saw L watching at the open door, a hideous grin on his face. I saw him laugh as he walked away, shoulders shaking in his effort to control the huge bursts of laughter. He has no idea the monster he created. I will make sure he never forgets me. I swear on my soul.'

**Raito's PoV**

L was breathing in gasps and broken sobs. He made no effort to hide the torture this was to him. I understood why he had hidden this part of his past from me. But I also knew that he was innocent of the crime he was accused. L would never send someone to their death…would he?

I had to examine the argument logically. He solved cases and sent criminals to die. But he had cared about A. Or…no. He said they were never close. He said he didn't care one way or the other. But that didn't mean he would kill the boy. No. I was being stupid.

"L." I reached to put a hand on his shoulder but he stood, still facing away from me.

"I believe Matt and Mello are here now." Sure enough, the blonde and red head burst through the door at that moment. I had never seen Matt look so murderous, even when he tackled me before I killed Mello. But this time his attention was on L. I moved quickly, standing between the gamer and my boyfriend.

"So now that we're all here, I can explain what really happened. The story had to come out eventually." L turned to look at us, face stained with tears. That made Matt hesitate. I wanted to hold L, to tell him everything was okay now, but I knew he wasn't ready for that. Instead, I sat on the bed, and Mello and Matt did the same.

"This is what really happened…"


	8. Truth

**Miko:** Well, I finally finished this. I'm so sorry it took so long, I just really wasn't into it. I have forgiven Raito, though. So...yay?

* * *

**Truth**

**L's PoV**

"I was on my way to meet B to finish our project like his note said. I knew he hated me, but he made no move against me in two years so I foolishly thought I was safe. I should have known better. A knew better. He met me in the hall just before I got to the lab room I was meeting B in.

"You can't go in there, L." He said. "BB is going to kill you. He hates you." I argued with him, but he was adamant. I tried to push past him, but he was stronger than I thought.

"We are simply finishing a project." I said, but A wouldn't be swayed. Finally, I asked him why he cared.

"I don't want him to do anything he'll regret. Of course I don't want you to be hurt, but I don't want BB to do something that will hurt him. He isn't made to murder. It will destroy him. I…I couldn't bear to see him like that. So please just go back to your room and I'll go talk to BB." He didn't wait for an answer but just walked into the room. I stood in the hall, listening to everything B said. I…He is, without a doubt, insane. When I stopped hearing voices, I looked in.

B was standing over a table on which lay something that used to be A. I could see the back of his head. His hair was so beautiful…His hand was flung limply off the side of the table and I could see blood dripping off it. In B's hand was a long knife, stained red. I couldn't move until he looked at me.

I had no idea what he was thinking. For the first time in my life I didn't even know what I was thinking. When his eyes met mine I ran. I ran as quickly as I could but I felt his glare on me. I ran back to my room and locked myself in, panting and crying. I should have gone to Roger. Or Watari. I may as well have A's blood on my hands."

I looked down at my hands in an attempt to avoid the three stares of the other men in the room. I closed my eyes and saw the room again. I saw the cops putting tape around the door and one with a camera snapping pictures of the limp body on the table. Despite my best attempts, a sob broke from my lips and this time I let Raito put a hand on my shoulder. I fought the urge to bury my head in his chest.

"I deserve the blame, but I swear – I swear on my title as L, and on my credibility – that I never would have let A walk into that room if I had known he was going to die. I would have run to get Roger in time to stop everything. If I could, I would go back and fix everything, but I can't. Instead, I see B's smirk every time I close my eyes. I feel the knife ripping into me just as I'm about to fall asleep. And I hate myself every time I realize that I am alive because someone died for me. I will never underestimate anyone again."

I turned to face Raito who had removed his hand from my shoulder and was standing alone between myself and the two younger boys. Matt no longer looked murderous, but Mello's arms were still wrapped around the rockstar. Both looked at me with gazes so piercing I wanted to run and hide.

"I'm sorry, L." Matt said. "I…I didn't know. And…to see his eyes. I still see him, sometimes." Matt shivered and huddled into Mello's embrace. I refused to look at Raito. I knew now was the time for telling the truth, and his truth was all the more important to tell now.

"Raito…"

**Raito's PoV**

"Raito…" I knew from L's tone what he wanted to tell me, but I interrupted him. Telling his own story had been hard enough. I knew Matt and Mello couldn't see it, but he was slumped over more than normal, and his face was drawn. I wouldn't make him tell me of my own betrayal.

"I already know, L." I said. He looked at me blankly. "I remembered while I was reading. I…I didn't want to tell you. I know what I did. And I am ashamed of myself." I held my hands out and turned to face Mello and Matt.

"I can't believe I would hurt either of you. Remembering…it still feels like a different person took control over my body. Someone I'm not proud of. But I would never do that again. I know that neither of you wants to hurt L. It…It was stupid of me. Can you forgive me?" Mello was scowling, but Matt nodded.

"We forgive you." Matt said. "I know you wouldn't really want to hurt me. You seemed…different." Mello grunted until Matt elbowed him.

"I forgive you. Whatever." Mello sulked. I nodded to both of them and turned to L.

"If you want to turn me to the authorities, I will go without any struggle." I knew my eyes said something else as they met L's. I tried to convey how much I loved him. How much I would always love him. And how much I trusted him.

"No, Raito." L said. "I believe you." He smiled briefly. "But I would like to have my house to myself for now. Goodbye, Matt. Mello. You may take whatever you want from the kitchen, and I will pay for a hotel if you do not wish to return to Los Angeles tonight."

I walked with them to the door, hugging Matt and promising to call soon, before walking back to where L was sitting on the bed. I sat beside him and let the silence linger for a few moments. When it was clear he didn't intend to break it, I looked over at him.

"So that's why you can't sleep?"

"Yes. My encounter with B shaped very much of who I am today." L pulled his legs to his chest and put his thumb in his mouth. I had never thought of it, but perhaps even his habit of sitting in that position had to do with B, and not his mental faculties as he always said.

"I won't let him hurt you, L." I wanted to comfort him, but I didn't. "You know I will never let him hurt you again. And I won't hurt you either. Because we both know that's what he wanted when he tried to use me."

"I know, Raito." L said. "I _know_ that. But when I sleep, I cannot reason. I am prone as every human is, to emotions." L said it as if he was admitting a weakness.

"Well." I turned to face L. "We should just make sure your emotions are…different, then." I pressed my lips to his and gently lowered him to the bed. If we could survive the worst B could throw at us, we could survive anything.


End file.
